Two or three weeks ago I was feeling so ready for sunshine on my skin, to embody a version of myself I had been slowly allowing to emerge during a lot of self reflection over winter. Despite identifying as a bit of a hermit, the fear associated with the pandemic creates a whole different kind of isolation and grief that has really thrown me off. More than used to staying home and working on uni assignments in my room, I’ve found what I thought would be easy actually quite paralysing and upsetting. I think the pressure to still be ~productive~ despite the collapse of all normalcy has induced more anxiety than the lack of social interation outside my house.
I glimpsed the self I imagined I could be on the day I took a prescription to someone in self-isolation. I was lucky to source a bike the day before the lockdown so I have been able to feel a greater sense of freedom and availablility to my communities than if I could only get around on foot. It turned out to be a much longer journey to the pharmacy than I realised and I had to navigate some completely unfamiliar gnarly London roads on bike for the first time. Even without the usual level of traffic it felt like a baptism of fire getting past all the road works and the watchful gaze of builders. I never really got to have a bike punk phase so I’m enjoying it while the roads are quieter. Hopefully I’ll still be cycling after the pandemic has eased.
The sun was shining all day and I got to be a tank-topped bike-top after a winter folded away inside feeling lonely and powerless. I’m hoping for more days like that one where I can get outside to help other people and feel some usefulness and autonomy rather than just doing repetitious laps for my state-sanctioned daily exercise. I hope it doesn’t completely rob us of an entire summer.